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Quinn. J, 2023, Feeling more myself: Brief personal reflections on accessing cognitive analytic therapy during clinical psychology training, Reformulation 56, p.30-31
Author: Jordan Quinn, MSc BSc (Hons)
Due to a mix of professional and personal issues I was experiencing, I decided that being part-way through my clinical psychology training was a good time to start personal therapy.
I was drawn to CAT because of the focus on relationships. During clinical psychology training in the UK, trainees complete several short placements over the course of three years, which means that there is an ever-changing cast of colleagues and supervisors to navigate relationships with. Pre-therapy, this was fertile ground for the activating and maintaining of unhelpful ways of relating to others as a way of trying to always appear competent, which was ultimately both ineffective and exhausting. My CAT therapist supported me to develop an understanding of my dilemmas, traps, and the possibility of exits. This was specific to predictions that authority figures in my professional life would be critical and rejecting of my person and my work, meaning that I would attempt to maintain unsustainable (and ultimately ineffective) levels of work to avoid both criticism and the idea that I was not a good enough clinician. Happily, the changing relational landscape of clinical psychology training then became opportunities for practicing learnings from therapy, rather than the obstacles I had previously perceived them to be. Confronting fears of displeasing authority by relating more authentically to professional authority figures meant better relationships with those individuals. It also meant I could better attend to self-care and ultimately develop confidence in expressing myself moving forward.
I have learnt a great deal about the “doing” of therapy from accessing it myself. In my own practice, first and foremost in my mind is the quality of the therapeutic relationship I develop with my clients. Accessing my own therapy meant that I could more comfortably and effectively balance this with the development of the model-specific competencies clinical psychology training asks of trainees. Now, I continue to draw on the importance of understanding how the past influences how we relate to others in the present, be it in day-to-day life or in the therapy room.
In my relationships with supervisors, my diagrammatic map helped me understand my own patterns of relating to authority. It provided me with a language to communicate my own difficulties at times where I opted to disclose these.
The greatest impact of personal therapy on my practice has been an experience which is altogether hard to describe. When I practice therapy now, I feel more attuned to, and present with, my clients. I think this is because the insecurities from the past have gradually become smaller and less powerful in my mind and life in the present. There is a much greater sense of confidence in my therapeutic abilities which I frequently lean into when I navigate new clinical dilemmas with my clients. I think this has been the greatest gift from accessing my own personal therapy.
Overall, I believe that this experience has helped me grow congruence between my own lived experience and my practice as a therapist, which has helped me to “feel more myself”. Clinical psychology training is a unique context which I think is very amenable to experimenting with different ways of relating to others and oneself. I would recommend this model of personal therapy to any current clinical psychology trainee who experiences difficulties that can be helpfully understood by CAT.
Email for correspondence: drjordanquinn@gmail.com